From the Windowseat

I haven’t written lately as I haven’t known how to put things in words. Or, if putting things into words makes them more realistic, then I didn’t want to put them into words. Life has been increasingly difficult lately. I don’t want to go into the ugly details (if you want those they will remain relegated to personal messages); however, suffice to say that there has been a lot of struggles and a lot of challenges.

For the past month or so I have felt as though work and life have been conspiring against me. I fully recognize that when one works abroad they need to be able to ‘roll with the punches’; however, it simply felt as though there were too many punches coming in too quick succession…too many things that did not make enough sense.

That said, why I am now writing such a cryptic post? Because I have decided to take some control back. Was that decision as easy as it sounds? No. Definitely not. Absolutely not.

I don’t think I have ever reached a point of comparable stress, not in Canada nor in any other country. I am famous for not getting stressed. I get angry, I get frustrated, but then I get over it and move on. Stress is a relatively new feeling for me. More so, recently having a friend point out the effects it was having on me and being concerned for how I would be able to cope struck me. Most often people seem to believe that I can take anything, so having someone express concern has struck me hard.

I can’t change what is happening at work or in the lives of the youth who I work with. I can’t change poor decisions, strange timelines, hopelessness, fear, horrible occurances, and horrible occurances happening to good people. I can’t even change my reactions to such things as we really don’t know how we will react when faced with a reality that shouldn’t be reality. However, what I am trying to pursue is that I can change my actions that occur after the reactions. I can do my best to make decisions that still let me be me even when I am located in a framework that is not mine (and should not be anyone’s).

This is how I want to move forward. This is how I need to move forward. This vision is also less than 36 hours old, but it needs to continue. So this is my manifesto. The negativity will not win. It can not win. There is still too much good in Kingston to allow the bad to blur that away.

And for part two…some stories from my January outside of the office.

Bus moments: Interesting things always happen on buses in Kingston…For example, there are often ‘bus preachers’ singing and giving sermons throughout the entire ride. The most ‘famous’ of these being a man that another volunteer and I had termed ‘blind preacher dude’ (I don’t know how that happened). We works the route from downtown to New Kingston (where I live) and has a shockingly good voice. Short story: I now know that he has a name and I have his CD…’blind preacher dude’ is now a real person. Similarly (and not), yesterday I was on the bus and met a man from Saudi Arabia (this is not common in Kingston). We got talking and by the time I got off the bus he had given me his Quran and invited me to his Mosque. Hence is the strangely religious nature of my bus rides.

Running moments: One of my goals for 2010 has been to get my running back on track. It is still very hard to be a consistent runner in a country that sometimes feels sauna-like; however it is getting a bit better and I am back to doing at least 3X a week. So…last weekend: mile 5 (of 10) and a huge full moon was slipping behind the mountains, the sky wasn’t dark, but also wasn’t light. It was a surreal moment…and then the moon slipped away and we kept on working our way up a hill. And…evenings at the park: post-run, warm nights, starry skies, extended stretching sessions, random discussions with others out for their evening departures from the busy, hot realities of Kingston days.

People moments: Meeting an artist at Treasure Beach who gave myself and another volunteer an extremely reduced rate on making our own tile designs (which turned out much better than I expected). Returning to the Blue Mountains to a guest house that has become a second-home. Seeing my parents arrive at the Kingston airport. Conversations with lifeguards, security guards, and restauranteurs who have become part of my life. Watching the audiences at a pantomine play and a Jamaican football game express such pure joy and unity.

Watch for the moments…

Yes, I am still here in Jamaica. January slipped through my fingers, but now it is February (!) and, hopefully, blogging can slip back into my life.

January was characterized by an intriguing shift — work became less about figuring things out (although I still do a lot of that!) and more about action. My day-to-day worklife is full: very, very, full. A new year has brought a new budget and new programs to the Youth Integrated Services Centre (my daytime home). Myself and my Jamaican counterpart (who is fabulous) organize a growing entity. We now have volunteers and practicum students; however, when you combine our increased human resources with our tendencies (she is as bad at overworking as I am!) this simply means that we have drastically increased our workload.

We have twice daily workshops (I facilitate the one of journalism and writing skills). We have film sessions and discussion groups. We have media and school outreach. We have networking and funding meetings. We have a Youth Summit to organize for March. We supervise volunteers/students working on career handouts, employer job calls, and an Employer Resource Guide for working with youth. We have funding proposals. We have…so much! Sometimes we look at each other and say that we will not take on any more new projects…and then we do

However, in addition to all of those “we haves”, we also have smiles and laughter from youth participants and we have true individual successes. We have youth who have found jobs. We have youth who have created their first resumes. We have youth who have made their first email addresses and connected with friends in other countries. We have youth who have begun to speak aloud in group settings. We have youth who are volunteering. We have moments and, therefore, we have fun.

Of course, our main goal is to keep the Centre running in a long-term, sustainable fashion…except that we still do not have long-term secure funding…does anyone have deep pockets